My Own Personal Hell

A year ago, I was on cloud nine. I just married Jeff, my best friend in the whole world and I was expecting his baby. I went in for my first appointment, excitement radiating through my entire body. I knew that at three months pregnant, I would get to hear that sound every expecting mother is anticipating, that little tiny heartbeat that lets y0u know that a new life is growing inside of you. I went in to my appointment and met my midwife. We made all the necessary small talk and I chattered on about how surprised I was that I was pregnant, but that I was so extremely over the moon happy about it and already head over heels in love with this new baby.

Finally I lay down and she does the examination. She listens and moves that little thing all over my belly, but hears nothing. Then she says well sometimes we can't find it this early with this thing, so she leaves the room and gets a mobile ultra sound, she looks and looks for the heartbeat but has so much trouble. At this point my heart begins to come up in my throat and I feel like Im going to panic. She tries to reassure me that sometimes it's hard to get this early on., but she decides to send me up to the "real" ultrasound room. I head up the elevator and I just don't know what to expect but something tells me things aren't okay. I call Jeff and ask him to please come down now. Thankfully Jeff makes it a little bit before I'm called back.

The technician starts the ultrasound. The room is so quiet I can hear my heart beating. Then she says, I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat. My head spins, and I'm pretty sure I can hear my heart shattering in a million pieces. I just want to rewind and start the day over. I think maybe I just need to wake up from this nightmare. I hear her vaguely call down to my midwife, I hear yes embryonic demise. I have never been so disappointed in my entire life. I keep telling myself that this can't be happening, there has to be some kind of mistake! I ask why over and over again. These things just happen they tell me. Eventually we go home and at this point I just can't stop crying, everything is so surreal and I can't imagine that this hole in heart will ever fill up.

Fast forward to a few months later. I take a test, YES it's a positive. Two days later I start bleeding. I call the office. Sounds like another miscarriage, don't bother coming in there is nothing we can do. I switch and get a doctor. I go in, they say you are still pregnant. I get bl0od work done over the course of the next few weeks. Bad news the doctor says, its not a "viable" pregnancy. Heartbroken. Again.

Now it's one year later and still not one single day has gone by that I don't think about losing my precious babies. Unless you've been through it, it's probably hard to understand why this eats away at me. It's just an overwhelming feeling of loss and failure. I can't seem to shake this heart wrenching feeling. I can't "get" over it. I don't walk around just sad all the time. Not at all. I have plenty in my life to be happy about, I have Tyler and Dustin, the lights of my life. I have Jeff and I have my wonderfully amazing parents who I know would do anything they could to make me happy. I have so much to love and so much to be happy about. So why has this affected me so much? Why has this event made so much of the time I spend alone like a torture chamber. I sometimes have nightmares where I relive that day over again.

I don't believe that enough research is done on miscarriage. I also don't believe that the emotional toll of losing a baby is discussed enough. I don't want to say that it is taboo, but like I said before, if you haven't been through it you just don't understand how hard it is.

Book on Crazy!

I always said I could write a book on crazy. If I wasn't so lazy it would probably happen. Well let's not even call it lazy, lets just say I'm too busy to worry about writing a story on all the flipping lunatics I come into contact with. So yeah, I'll just blog about it. So I'm a bartender. If you follow this blog you know this already. Anyhow so I bartend a this great little spot in the South Side, in Pittsburgh. It's a great place, and for the most part really great people come in. But every once in a while. BAM!! CRAZY!!! The other day I'm busy for lunch. I got people in the back, people at the bar and people out front. No problem though, I thrive on being busy. Well in walks this weird dude. I could tell he was weird from jump, he just had a crazy aura. Well he sits at the bar and orders a coffee and tries to make small talk. I'm too busy for small talk, but still I try to remain polite. Dude pays for his coffee and leaves. Only to come back we'll say twenty minutes later. This time he orders lunch. Once again he tries to make small talk and once again I'm just too busy to conversate. So he pays and leaves again. I think GREAT!! The crazy guy is gone. Yeah thats what I thought until four o' clock on the dot and in he walks and plops down at the bar and says, it's thirty cent wings now isn't it? Yes it is ugh. So he orders ten wings and once again I'm TOO BUSY TO TALK!! I reach into the freezer to grab some nice icy cold mugs and he says to me, "What are you thinking?" What am I thinking? What the hell kind of quiestion is that? I said, "I'm thinking about filling these glasses up with the drinks these people ordered." Walk away. Walk back and he says, (this is the best part) "What is that on your left hand, WHAT IS THAT?" I look frantic thinking there is one of those wretched stink bugs on me and I see nothing. So I look at him clueless. He says, "Is that a wedding ring?" Mind you he was obviously upset at this point. I said, "Oh yeah, thats my engagement ring and wedding ring, why?" Here's the kicker. He says, "I have been COURTING you all day and you didn't tell me you were married!!"

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????????????? I didn't miss a beat allthough I'm sure my eyes nearly popped out of my head and I said, "I've had these rings on all day I never take them off. I was unaware that by sitting at the bar while I'm working is known as courting and I apologize sincerely (very sarcastically) if you think that me taking your order was leading you on. You owe me $5.64 for your wings and sir, have a great day."

I was completely baffled by this. All I can say is there is plenty of crazy to go around.

The Thorn in My Side

Ralph. What kind of a name is that for a dog? Well that name belongs to my mutt. Shortly after I moved in with my darling husband Jeff I began to crave the companionship of a pet. So I begged and begged and begged for a dog. I really wanted to adopt one from the pound. Well we visited the Animal Rescue League, where I saw the cutest dog, his name was Ollie. Well Jeff said we were just looking that day so we went home. :( I wanted a dog so bad you don't understand. A couple of weeks passed and we were headed back to ARL.

I finally got to meet Ollie!!! What A JERK! I mean talk about anti-climatic. This dog was a pain in the neck as soon as we got into the meet and greet room. I was sour. Jeff was happy. Happy, until I said, well lets look at some other dogs. We walked around the pound again and thats when I spotted HIM. His name was Toby. He was laying down and he looked absolutely pathetic. I asked the lady to meet him. We got him in the room and he was so sweet. Well we took him home. He had a big patch of fur missing from being in the slammer for so long and smelled horrific. Well Jeff decided that he should be the one to name him. So he suggested Ralph. I hated the name. That should have been my first clue that this dog was going to be a pain. He then proceeded to puke all over me. Ralph it is.

Fast forward to this dog, this beast, chewing his way out of a varikennel and tearing the house up. He has tore up countless pillows, blankets, and tons of garbage. Ralph has spread his "joy" throughout the house and he figured a new trick out; getting out of the backyard. He runs the neighborhood like a gigantic rabid beast. His long gangly legs are attached to a huge muscular body that is attached to a thick neck that is attached to a peanut head with ears that are much too small and he has a point at the top of his head. He is ugly. People say he's cute in that tone that someone would tell you your ugly baby is cute. He's not cute. He aggravates me on a daily basis. However it should be said that for all his downfalls he does provide us with hours of entertainment. He's quick to learn tricks and he is the cuddliest dog I've ever had. He snuggles like no other. Is he a brat? Yes! Have I fantasized about ending his life? Plenty of times. Do I love this beast? With all my heart.

Things that annoy me........

Just a short list of things that annoy me.

When a candle burns out on it's own. I'm never prepared for that bad smell after smelling so much good smell when the candle burns out on its own.

Dogs barking at nothing. Mine don't do it often but when they do I feel like punching them.

My kids touching the walls. This is seriously irriatating to me because it took me hours of hard labor to paint the walls and they get their grimey little boy hands all over them ugh.

People that think the world owes them something. Get over yourself.

Lady Gaga annoys me. In her own right she is probably a decent singer however I will never like her as long as she has songs about nothing with electronic vocalisation coupled with idiotic outfits and a persona that she pretends she is so dark. I'm not into people that think "shocking" is soooooo coool Hey "GAGA" Marilyn Manson and Madonna already did it.

1800 numbers calling for people that don't live in our house.

These are just things that have annoyed me today. Oh well I'm sure tomorrow will bring new things!! YAY!!!

My Love Story

Dreams. I remember nearly the exact moment in my life when I became jaded. I remember thinking, things can't get better for me. They won't. I'll be hard and protect myself from ever getting hurt again. Enter Jeff. Yes just like that, just like a movie. I thought, wow now this is a real man. He's not one of the macho egotistical jerks I usually attract. Why is it that I attract those kind of men to my life? He was, is everything wonderful to me. Never had I been met with such patience and such sweetness in my entire life. We had a conversation one night close to the time we first started seeing each other. We stayed up so late just talking about life. I remember trusting him immediately enough to let go and tell him why I was such a train wreck. He looked at me as he was sitting backwards in his office chair in his basement and said to me the sweetest words, "Stick with me, and I promise, things will get better." The thought didn't even cross my mind that he had ulterior motives. I just trusted him, blindly. We stayed up and the sun came up and he said, "I'm going to do something I've never done before, I'm going to call off work." He did and we continued to watch some ridiculous movie I think Fat Boys or something like that and he twirled my hair around and I leaned into him and I was so comfortable. I did have butterflies the entire flipping time though! Finally, he leaned in and kissed me. It was to this day the single most perfect kiss of my life. I knew I loved him in that instant. I loved him so much it hurt. My heart was safe and although I didn't have the courage to tell him I believe I told all of my girlfriends shortly thereafter. They say that life is made up of just a few short definable moments. That kiss was definitely one of them. If someone would have told me then that this would be the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I would not have doubted that.

Fast forward to our date. I had my kids with me, this was the real test you see. There was Jeff in his big green truck and we were standing on the sidewalk waiting to go into Fridays, he had in his hands flowers for me, lilies to be exact, my favorite. And he had toys for my boys too. My heart melted, because he listened to me. Throughout our many conversations he gathered enough information to know exactly what Tyler and Dustin liked and he remembered that lilies were my favorite flowers. After an animated dinner courtesy of Tyler and Dustin, we headed off to Dairy Queen. I finally got the boys ready to go home when Dustin said from the backseat, "Mommy, I love Jeff." Tyler not wanting to be outdone said, "I love him too Mommy." I laughed, "Is it because he bought you toys and ice cream?" Tyler said, "Yeah that too, but he's nice and he makes you happy." My eyes misted and I instantly had a moment of clarity. He made me so happy and he was so different from anyone I had have EVER dated before.

Fast Forward to a concert we went to with our dear friends Tiffers and Matt. We had so much fun! I laughed so hard and smiled till my face hurt. We were on our way back to Jeff's house and he had a terrible headache. We stopped in a gas station and bought some Tylenol. When we got to his house we went to bed and I was nearly asleep but he kept tossing and turning and finally he said, "Babe, I have something I have to tell you." I damn near panicked, oh god here is when that other shoe is going to drop. Here is the part where he tells me something insane. He faced me and said, "I'm in love with you." With me? Imagine that! I was so beside myself. When I finally found my words I told him I was in love with him too and had been. He said, "I know that's why I could tell you. I could just tell you love me." I think that made my heart skip a beat even more.

So now I am lucky enough to be Jeff's wife. We had a quiet little wedding in Monongahela Town Hall and it was perfect. I now know what it means to be respected and loved. Not just the meaningless words I love you, followed by being treated like crap. I'm really loved. My Jeff always loves me, he loves me crazy, sad, happy. He loves me. He is such a good husband and he is my best friend, my confidante, my comedian, my soul. I will love him until my soul dies, till there is nothing left of me in this universe. Till every part of me is dissolved. I will love him longer than forever. He really has been here for me for better of for worse, even before he put this beautiful sapphire ring on my finger. Jeff is a real man and I have stuck with him, and things get better every day.

Growing up = figuring out the important things.

All your life you are told that you have to get a great education and that you have to have a good job so that you make a lot of money so that you are happy. We define ourselves in this country by our careers and accomplishments. I absolutely agree that a solid education is extremely valuable, however, for some people myself included secondary education is not in the cards. Either it is financial or situational. I'm not a stupid person and I'm not lazy. I would love to say that I wish I could go to school but thats just not true. Is it possible to be happy without having a title? Yes, it is. So a few years ago I went back to a day job, so called a "real job." So when I meet people and the conversation comes up of "what do you do for a living," I could say oh I'm an Optician. Whereas when I was a bartender people would physically look alarmed, like OH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? YOU ARE JUST A BARTENDER? Well I flipping hated my day job more than anything. The everyday stress weighed down upon me and there were times I thought I would snap and actually I may have snapped a few times. The deep hatred for dealing with people on the level I had to deal with them on was manifesting itself into my personal life. I was a cranky bitch and a ball of stress. Something inside of me snapped and here I am bartending again. Well guess what? I love it and I'm not ashamed of what I do. I have fun at work and I make just as much money sometimes more as I did when I had a so called real job. I get to meet people everyday and laugh the entire time I am at work. I smile so much my face hurts. Sure some people are jerks but I only have to deal with them for an hour or less and then I never see them again. I have the added benefit of getting to be home with my kids all day and having the luxury of being able to take care of my house. My day job didn't allow that. It's taken me all these years to realize that I don't give a damn what people think about what I do for a living. My life is not defined by my job. It is defined by the amazingly beautiful husband I have and the two awesome little boys I have, and the laughter and love that grows daily in our home. It is defined by my wonderful parents and my two brothers. It is defined by my entire extended family the ones who have supported me and the ones I don'tunderstand. It is defined by the miracle of friendship that I am so grateful to have found in a few people. My life is defined by the songs I sing that make me happy, and by the two puppy faces that give me slobbery kisses. My life is defined by all the amazing things that no man or woman can judge me on. My life is defined by my past that has kicked my ass and made me into a stronger woman. My life is just that, my life. So if I'm happy in it then I don't care if I'm scrubbing toilets for a living. I'm proud of who I am and where I'm at. I love my life.

Highschool vs Real Life

Remember in highschool when you would be up in your room bawling your eyes out because it felt like the end of the world because such and such was talking about you, or there was a viscious rumor being spread? Remember your parents response; "This is highschool honey, when you get into the real world none of this will matter anymore." Well they lied. At least in part. Allow me to elaborate. Sure you don't care what whats her face said anymore, but people still spread rumors, there are still cliques and your prom queen well now shes whoever is hot in Hollywood. We still compare ourselves to people we feel are superior or even substandard. We still get ourselves upset about other peoples big flappin gums. Life is one big popularity contest. We have been groomed for this popularity contest since childhood. Everyone wants to be well liked and well recieved by others and dare I say, famous? Reality is highschool was real life, we just have bigger more important problems and more absurd situations and some of us grew out of our awkwardness. So thank you highschool for preparing us for life.