Friday, February 4, 2011

My Own Personal Hell

A year ago, I was on cloud nine. I just married Jeff, my best friend in the whole world and I was expecting his baby. I went in for my first appointment, excitement radiating through my entire body. I knew that at three months pregnant, I would get to hear that sound every expecting mother is anticipating, that little tiny heartbeat that lets y0u know that a new life is growing inside of you. I went in to my appointment and met my midwife. We made all the necessary small talk and I chattered on about how surprised I was that I was pregnant, but that I was so extremely over the moon happy about it and already head over heels in love with this new baby.

Finally I lay down and she does the examination. She listens and moves that little thing all over my belly, but hears nothing. Then she says well sometimes we can't find it this early with this thing, so she leaves the room and gets a mobile ultra sound, she looks and looks for the heartbeat but has so much trouble. At this point my heart begins to come up in my throat and I feel like Im going to panic. She tries to reassure me that sometimes it's hard to get this early on., but she decides to send me up to the "real" ultrasound room. I head up the elevator and I just don't know what to expect but something tells me things aren't okay. I call Jeff and ask him to please come down now. Thankfully Jeff makes it a little bit before I'm called back.

The technician starts the ultrasound. The room is so quiet I can hear my heart beating. Then she says, I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat. My head spins, and I'm pretty sure I can hear my heart shattering in a million pieces. I just want to rewind and start the day over. I think maybe I just need to wake up from this nightmare. I hear her vaguely call down to my midwife, I hear yes embryonic demise. I have never been so disappointed in my entire life. I keep telling myself that this can't be happening, there has to be some kind of mistake! I ask why over and over again. These things just happen they tell me. Eventually we go home and at this point I just can't stop crying, everything is so surreal and I can't imagine that this hole in heart will ever fill up.

Fast forward to a few months later. I take a test, YES it's a positive. Two days later I start bleeding. I call the office. Sounds like another miscarriage, don't bother coming in there is nothing we can do. I switch and get a doctor. I go in, they say you are still pregnant. I get bl0od work done over the course of the next few weeks. Bad news the doctor says, its not a "viable" pregnancy. Heartbroken. Again.

Now it's one year later and still not one single day has gone by that I don't think about losing my precious babies. Unless you've been through it, it's probably hard to understand why this eats away at me. It's just an overwhelming feeling of loss and failure. I can't seem to shake this heart wrenching feeling. I can't "get" over it. I don't walk around just sad all the time. Not at all. I have plenty in my life to be happy about, I have Tyler and Dustin, the lights of my life. I have Jeff and I have my wonderfully amazing parents who I know would do anything they could to make me happy. I have so much to love and so much to be happy about. So why has this affected me so much? Why has this event made so much of the time I spend alone like a torture chamber. I sometimes have nightmares where I relive that day over again.

I don't believe that enough research is done on miscarriage. I also don't believe that the emotional toll of losing a baby is discussed enough. I don't want to say that it is taboo, but like I said before, if you haven't been through it you just don't understand how hard it is.